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Matsuno Choromatsu (
rest in pepperoni me
tw: for suicide
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Everyone on the Fantasy Sweet
2017-06-21 07:35 am (UTC)
There's a lot I want to say and I'm not even sure how to say it all in one letter. But I guess I should start with the obvious: I'm sorry. You have all been so good to me and I'm leaving like this. But I can't keep going this way.
Yes, I did this to myself. I decided I would rather die than continue like this. I want out of here, but I refuse to hurt anyone to do so. Even if P.A.L. actually kept his word, I couldn't live with myself if I did that. But continuing to live like this... I can't do that either. So I've decided to take things into my own hands and follow Angel and Rhys. Hopefully I'll just wake up back home safe and sound like I usually do, and then this will all be over. If that doesn't happen... oh well. At least I'll be free.
Please don't blame yourselves for this though. This was my choice. You've all been nothing but good to me and I would hate for you to think this is your fault. That you didn't talk to me enough or weren't there for me when I needed you. You were, believe me. And I don't know where to begin thanking you.
The truth is, my brothers and I have been treated like a freakshow since the day we were born. Identical sextuplets? That's not normal, we're like some kind of genetic mutants. And as some of you have seen by now, we look more like clones than people... that's just the way Akatsuka-sensei conceived us. Our entire lives no one has been able to tell us apart: our parents were only able to once we started wearing different colours. Hell, WE couldn't even tell each other apart. Because of that we were rarely treated as
. It was never “that's Matsuno Choromatsu”, it was always “that's one of those sextuplets - what's his name? Osomatsu?” I've probably been mistakenly called by one of my brothers' names more than my own. One time, one of my brothers said “I don't have five friends, I have five enemies” and I feel like all six of us felt that on some level. Our identity is pretty much inseparable from our birth... so because of that sometime around high school I started trying to distance myself from them and become independent. I wanted to be my own person, not just part of a unit. Find my place in society as a proper person, be more than scum, more than a sextuplet! Acknowledged and accepted for who
. But I wonder if anyone ever actually saw me that way. I feel like they never did.
But here it's been different. I think this was the first time in my life I was judged as
Matsuno Choromatsu. No one knows me as a sextuplet, you only know me as Choromatsu. All of you just accepted me for who I am and treated me as ME. I felt like a person here - a person who made actual friends, friends who aren't just his own family. And you know... I don't think I've had friends like that before either? There's the guys I hang out with at concerts but that's different. My brothers have been my only “real” friends my whole life but that's not the case now.
But because of that... I don't think I can handle watching any more of my friends die.
“You're being selfish.” I know. But with Angel passing it's too much for me now. She said we'd escape together – all of us. I believed her then. But she's gone now and no matter how hard I try I can't believe in it anymore. So I'm getting out in my own way. I'm so sorry. But I'm just not as strong as the rest of you. All I am is useless and weak after all.
If I really don't wake up at home and you do manage to escape... there's another letter attached to this. It's for my brothers. I don't even know if they're alive anymore but if they are... if you could find them and give this to them I'd be really happy. Even though I tried to be independent of them and carve my own way, at the end of the day I'm not really whole without them in my life. I want them to know how I feel. I wish I could introduce you to them myself. Or even to my parents. My mom's good at cooking for a lot of people. She'll probably cry when you break the news to her - she couldn't even handle it when Osomatsu-niisan and I went to live with another family for a while, much less when we were hurt. I'm sorry if you have to deal with that. Let her know I'm sorry I didn't give her grandchildren like she wanted. And that I'm sorry for not being a better son.
Thank you. For everything. I'll be cheering for you. Good bye.
(P.S. PLEASE DON'T DIE AT THE TRIAL BECAUSE OF ME)
2017-06-22 07:50 (UTC)
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2017-06-23 04:36 am (UTC)
This is the first time I've written a letter, so I'm a bit nervous. “What's this out of the blue?” “Gross.” “Is your self-awareness rising again?” I'm sure you all might think that but this is my first time being apart from all of you for so long. I'm not alive to say it face-to-face anymore and I'd be sort of embarrassed to do that anyway, so I thought I'd write a letter.
Since I've been kidnapped, I've had a lot of time to think about things on my own. In the end I decided to take my own life. The others will probably tell you everything you need to know about our circumstances, but I couldn't handle it anymore. Couldn't handle all the death, the executions, the pain, and most of all, being away from all of you. I was told you were okay, but it got so hard to believe after a while, and the thought that I was alone, no longer a sextuplet, was too much for me. So I hope you could forgive me for leaving you all like this... for making you quintuplets.
Now that I'm not there to nag you anymore though, I'll say it one last time: please get serious and try to stop being NEETs already. Please just find jobs and learn to be responsible. I know you're probably rolling your eyes, going “this again?” or calling me a hypocrite. But I mean it. Please take this seriously. You're my precious brothers, even if you're also a pack of stupid assholes, and I don't want people to think of you as scum forever. I want you to
, to find something you love and that makes you happy besides lazing around all day. Something that'll let you find happiness, find someone you can spend your whole life with (BESIDES Totoko-chan) and start families! I wanted all of us to become proper people, functioning members of society – people that aren't shitty and useless. And I can't do that anymore, so you all have to on your own. I know you can. I give you crap all the time but I believe in you. And even though I'm gone now I'm never going to stop believing or supporting you.
I shouldn't go on too long, I don't have much time. But I also have things I want to say to each of you. Todomatsu: you're still a dry monster, but you're also our baby brother. We pick on you and give you shit because of that but we care, really! That's why we don't like it when you hide stuff from us. I wish you would stop lying and actually tell us more, but I hope you succeed on your own. Also, you'll have to get someone else to take you to the washroom at night or do it yourself from now on. Jyushimatsu: I still have no idea what the hell is going on with you. I'd say I hope you slow down and start making sense some day but then you wouldn't be Jyushimatsu anymore, huh? So I guess always keep that energy and that smile. Also, I'm sure you'll see you-know-who again, I believe in you two! Ichimatsu: I think you can make friends that aren't just us or your cats – look, I did! You just have to get over your fears and care for yourself a little more, at least that's how I see it. And even if you don't want to... please at least try taking care of yourself for my sake. Karamatsu: for fuck's sakes please tone it down. We ignore you because you're embarrassing. That being said, please stop with the “no plan” stuff. I'm not there anymore to take care of you if things go poorly, so you have to make sure you can do so on your own now. I know you can.
That just leaves you Osomatsu-niisan.
I want to say I'm sorry. I hurt you a lot, didn't I? I didn't even realize... we used to do everything together but then I started focusing on my own things, not even caring how you felt. I don't know why you reacted the way you did when I moved out, but I think I'm starting to understand. Were you scared of being alone? Scared of what would happen to you if the rest of us moved on with our lives? I'm just guessing... I honestly don't know what's going on in your head some days. But I know it's been hard for me to be on my own, never knowing if you're even okay or alive. I can only imagine you felt something similar.
I want you to know that moving away from home was one of the hardest things I've ever done. And being away from you all here and choosing what I've done now was even harder. Without the rest of you I feel like nothing. But we can't be that way forever Osomatsu-niisan. We have to move forward and make our own lives. That's what I wanted... for myself, for you, for all of us. It's scary, I know, but you have to eventually. I hope you can some day forgive me. For hurting you, for leaving you. You're still a freaking idiot and have always been a pain in the ass, but you're also my big brother and my best friend. Nothing will ever change that. Not even me being gone.
I wish we could have taken that trip together though. I should have taken you up on that after all.
There's a lot more I want to say but don't have the time for, so I'll stop here. Please take care of mom and dad for me. The people that should be bringing you this are good people so please try to treat them well and not be huge jerks. I wish I could be introducing you to them all myself. I don't know who's still left of our group but... even the ones who don't seem like good people aren't so bad. Even the super villain can be nice sometimes. (Please don't piss off the yakuza though, for fuck's sakes.) I wasn't super close to everyone but I consider most of them to be my friends, so please be nice!
I love you, my precious, stupid brothers. And I always will.
(P.S. DON'T CALL ME FAPPYMATSU IN FRONT OF THEM!!!)
2017-06-24 08:42 (UTC)
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